Sixteen and just been kissed

So, Saturday night, talking to one of my bestest best friends, Chad... We were talking about everything that we have not ever talked about before... And he was saying stuff like how he's never had a first kiss... And I've never had my first kiss... And we were talking about like how awesome it would be to just get it over with. So sitting on my sister’s bed, he said "Would you not take offence if I did something right now?" And I said "Of course not..." and he leaned in... And I kind of leaned in and then I said "Like... I know what you mean..." And he said "If you don't want to do it I don't want to do it." So I was thinking "What are you doing? Why even think about it?" So I closed my eyes and leaned in and tilted my head. And we kissed... It wasn't anything special, it's not like I felt fireworks go off. Or if I even kissed him again. It was just a simple kiss... But I don't know why I am thinking about this so much. It is just weird how this would actually happen! It feels as if this was one of my dreams and it didn't happen... But I think I am happy that we kissed. It wasn't even nerve wrecking!!! Now I don't feel like a loser who has never kissed a guy!

But just noting my first kiss was just that. A kiss.

My stomach is in one large knot...

I don't know why it is in a knot... But I feel like I want to puke. And I believe it is because I am thinking of Tyler and Bobbie... And how they are both in love with the same stupid girl and that girl is so not me... I just want to go into a corner and cry my eyes out, but I bet if I did that no tears will come out.

I haven’t texted Tyler ever since Monday, so that’s 4 days... Usually he caves in by now and texts me, but I guess studying for the exams have kind of taking his texting me time away from him... But he usually texts me... I will be surprised if he doesn't text me by tomorrow... I just hope that he will text me before the for day weekend is up... Maybe he'll ask to hang out... He's kind of fun to hang out with when it's just the two of us... But around others he's a bit different... And also I keep on having this image come back to my head. I have no idea why... But we hung out one night... Halloween... And when it was really, just us waiting for my ride to come pick me up we were just talking and such and we are like in the road... And he takes my hands and puts them onto his shoulders... If you read my last blog, that what I mean when I say it feels like he’s going to kiss me... And he pulled me in and hugged me... Stupid hugs... But I didn't know what he was doing... And whenever we went to the movies the other weekend, I really didn't want to see that movie, and he would keep on checking up on me (he IS in the seat right next to mine.) and saying "Is it that bad?" or "Do you like it?" then I would answer and he would smile because he knew that I was kind of enjoying being there... And then he would put his head on my shoulder.. Something I would do to my BOYFRIEND... If I went to the movies with my boyfriend, then I would lay my head on his shoulder and watch the movie. I was so comfortable there... Safe... I did that with Bobbie on our last movie together... And he held my hand and... GETTING OFF TRACK. Sorry! Then my friend, who I can trust with my life and almost everything else, asked me if Tyler putting his head on my shoulder good or bad... And I don't know... I just thought it was weird... But I don't know.

Another '11th'

Of course, I haven't posted since last year, but I have a good reason: Exams! Ugh, could someone put them to death; I don't think that’s a sin...

But, what I want to talk about is today. The Eleventh. September 11th, is a VERY special day to me. And I love that date. That is because my first true love, Bobby, asked me out on that day... And every 11th, good or bad, after that, has been very dear to my heart.

But today, for some reason, I don't have this pain in my heart. Making me want to cry and go run for him to take me back.

No. I have become stronger, and I just cannot believe I just hate who he likes right now. (I sure have improved though, huh?)

But I have a reason! Because who I kind of like right this moment, is Bobbie's crushes boyfriend. Which I HATE how they both like her! It's not like she stunningly pretty either! She's weird! I'm normal! Do the normal girls get nothing for being normal?!?! It's not fair!

-Sigh-

But today is about Bobby. He broke up with me 2 years, and two days ago. Well, the first time we broke up it was that date... I don't even remember what day I decided to end it with him the second time... But I still love him, because he IS my first TRUE love! BUT I can get over him now... Just a little... But my heart is still fluttering for this new guy...

And I have a plan. Just as I had a plan to get Bobbie back, I have a plan just to get... What should I call him? Tyler... back! And I had gotten Bobbie back, so getting Tyler would be no problem right?

WRONG. He is so complicated! I swear... He gives me mixed signals, and I know he probably doesn't like me like that... Which sucks... But then, he randomly hugs me and always walks me to my classes and such... And sometimes when we are standing in the hall talking, he like... gets closer to me as if he were getting closer to kiss me... And my heart jumps every time... And I know that he's NOT going to kiss me! I just... It just looks that way it does in a movie. When the guy goes closer as in testing the girl to see if she notices the shift or if she shuts up... Then he kisses her to make her shut up... And I kind of missed that feeling of having a crush... And I don't blame myself! It's been almost THREE years since I have liked someone that wasn't BOBBIE! THAT is how much time I put into USELESS BOBBIE!

-sigh-

But Tyler is just... Different... And I kind of don't want to like him... Not because I don't want to get over Bobbie, but because (1) I can't stand being second anymore. (2) I can't have my heart broken again... (3) He's kind of mean... (4) And he doesn't care...

But... He's adorable... Can be sweet... Fun to hang around with, most of the time, I can talk to him about almost anything, I don't feel uncomfortable and awkward around him... We can talk for hours and I can never get bored...

See my difficult decision?!?!?! But I don't love him so should I get away when I can, or go on with the plan on trying to get him back?!?!

911!!! I need your help!!! Please answer!